Ami Miller was not Born in America (Part 3)

I'm not sure if blog culture permits what I'm about to do.

Ami/Amreitha Miller commented on part two of the "Ami Miller was not Born in America" series and it is powerful. So, I'm posting it as the third installment of this series.

A. Miller's Response:

P- thank you again for writing this. this one was a tear jerker. thank you for being my friend as i go do one of the most important things i'll ever do in my life. thank you for letting me ask you all kinds of questions about your trip to sri lanka on the bus in Jordan...coming back from aquabah to ammon. i remember thinking my questions were so silly and i was kind of nervous to ask. but you answered all of them. this journey back to india makes me feel very lost. i want to grab a hold of something...like when you have to swim to the side of the pool to catch your breath. when you share about what sri lanka did in your life through stories and experiences, for some reason it helps me catch my breath. i thank Jesus for putting you in my life for such a time as this. really i do.

no one has ever come out and actually said it...i've never said it to myself...."Amreitha was abandoned by her parents." reading this hurt. i felt pain and sadness.
i've been taught and have this tendancy to always look at the positive. even though i was abandoned...i was found! adopted! i have lived a wonderful life with jesus, love, family...all kinds of goodness!
i never knew it was okay to let myself think and feel the truth of the matter...and that is that i was abandoned.

i say this so thankful for all that i have and i hope the following doesn't sound selfish, but with lots of tears, i admit for the first time publically that i wish so badly that i could meet my biological mother and father. i can physically feel my longing for them. in the past few months i have literally ached for something of my biological past. it doesn't have to be much. i'll take anything Lord. even a dream. i find myself every night asking God to provide a miracle and somehow allow me to see/meet them. i can't articulate why this is so important to me. i have wept until my pillow is soaked.....recently.
then i tell myself that just going back will be enough. after experiencing the culture, indian people and meeting my sister's family, the ache will go away. that will be enough.
i have this gut feeling that it won't be enough...in fact, it might make the ache worse.

i want to see someone that looks like me. i want to know if my mother and father loved each other when they had me. i want to know what happened after me. i want to know if they know the truth or if they are hindu. i want to know if i have siblings. i want to know where i get my dark skin, laugh, flat feet, birthmark and the list goes on. i want to be able to tell my children something about their biological grandparents and family. i want to know what family name i belong to. i want to know what i should be proud of from my history or generational curses that need to be broken.

i want to know if she, my mother, thinks about me. if she wonders about my life. what it was like for her to give me to esther. if she knows how curious i am about her and how much it would mean to me to meet her.
i wonder if she aches for me like i do her.

i know that going through this is very good. i agree with pradeep that in ordcer to move forward in my identity, i must wrestle with my past. i didn't know how hard it was going to be.
my pastor said last year this quote i'll never forget..."in order to understand your identity, you must go back to your beginning which will give you insight on your current reality." it's a loaded quote i know! God is literally taking me back to my beginning and i'm curious what all this is saying about my current reality.

P, thank you for the 7 tips! so good and so necessary. i will share them with my family.

altho it is hard, please know how excited i am about this trip and how reconnecting with my past is going to affect my life forever! for all the fears, there is much excitment. for all the questions, there will be SOME anwers! for all the late nights i've cried out to the Lord to meet my birth mother, i also can't sleep just anticipating what's to come with great joy and thankfulness in my heart for this incredible opportunity!
i am stoked!!!

pray for me and my family as we go back. pray for my sister as she deals with the internal struggles of meeting a father she's never known as a father.

pray that the lord will use us in india! i feel in my heart that we are going to minister as well as reconnect with our roots. pray that we are lead by the spirit and that we will seize every opportunity we get...from the oldest, my pilot father to the youngest, my 16 year old brother. pray for our protection and health. pray that we experience brand new facets of the Father's love for us and that we can share that affectively. pray that God uses this trip to bring breakthrough in our family...marriage issues, unity, etc. pray that we experience all that GOd has for us there. pray that as a family we keep our eyes fixed on jesus. pray that we are changed forever and carry a burden for india for the rest of our lives. pray for india. pray for the people there. pray for the christian church there. pray for kingdom relationship between my family and leslie's family...our church and theres.
pray that we lead people to christ!

pray that many will be saved through me and my sister's story/testimony...in india and america for the rest of our lives.

pray that even though i may never meet my biological family, i would be who God made me to be to the fullest! pray that i would be like Deborah...a woman of great wisom and a warrior for the nations of the world, for orphans, for injustice, for a generation and for the lost. pray that india frees me from all limitation and that i truly make a kingdom and eternal impact in the world. just like the ache i feel in my heart to know something of my biological past, i can also literally feel that i have so much love to give. it's overflowing! this part my sound kind of floofy....but i mean it. :)

it's very late and i have so many more thoughts running through my mind.
this is what i can share for now.
thanks for reading.

-amreitha